August 1, 2008

Turn your speakers up.

Christina Rebecca-Glenn Medeiros, "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You"

(Jennifer Rebecca, too-that's me)

I adore this song, I've had the lyrics engraved in my mind since I was a little girl. Never knew quite where it came from, but it's always been there. And when my precious youngest daughter was born, life was definitely changing. Unhappy in my marriage, I decided to take my newborn baby and her 18 month old sister, and leave. Go home, let my husband figure out what was important to him, and then see if he still wanted us. I was still young, and scared, and didn't believe in divorce (I come from a long, long line of divorce), but didn't believe in an unhappy life, either. I was so lost, had no idea what to do or what was going to happen with my life. Our lives-I had 2 baby girls relying on me, now, too. And I felt especially guilty taking my new baby girl away from her daddy. And I just needed her to know that no matter what changed in our lives, I would never regret having her, even during this chaotic time in my life. The lyrics from somewhere in my past popped into my head..."the world may change my whole life through but nothing's gonna change my love for you", and I can still see myself singing it to her, sitting there crying and rocking her, trying to protect her from the insecurity I felt about our future with her daddy. And it became her song-she loved to hear it, she'd grin when I'd sing it. It was like it reassured her tiny little heart even before she knew what it meant. She knew the words of the chorus by the time she was 3. When she was 5, she'd ask me to sing it as she laid her head on my lap and I ran my fingers through her blond curls. And a few days ago, when 7 years had passed since that moment, and her daddy and I had made it through and were stronger than ever, it randomly came on an 80's station I listen to, and I recognized it, and sat there soaking in every word, and when it was over, I went searching for it. And found it. And as I listened to it a second time, I heard not Glenn Medeiros' voice, but my mom's, singing it to me when I was a little girl. And it instantly clicked, how I knew every word, how I felt that song in my soul my entire life, even though I didn't ever remember hearing a recording of it. And I thought about my mom, as a single mom, feeling the same thing I'd felt when I sang it, reassuring me with the same thing I reassured my daughter with. And then I called my mom and told her how much I loved her. And I do. She's my best friend, my counselor, my sounding board, my role model, and my hero.

So, now it belongs to me, as well as Tina. And she's willing to share. After all, "you shared your middle name with me, Mom. I'll share my song with you."